They Say Honesty is the best policy!

So it's 1:10 am on Friday and I can't sleep. I have to be at work at 6. 

I should be sleeping right now but I can't. Something is keeping me up... and that something is ME.

They say that honesty is the best policy and I totally believe that but when it comes to honesty the saying "it is better to give then to receive" does not apply. 

I am a very bold person. And I have plenty of people in my life that will tell me that they either admire that in me or they hate it. But the one person that I can never be honest and bold with is me.

I m going to use this blog to be honest. It is strange that someone might read this and see what i am going to write and that does to things for me. It scares me and is drives me. I know that I can not sleep tonight (this morning) without doing this.

Here goes......

I have a problem.... 

It might now be huge.

It might not me small.

But still it's a problem.

I lie to myself. 

There I said/typed it.

I lie to myself so much that it is becoming a huge and bigger problem.

I know that I am freed by the blood of the lamb. And whom the son sets free is truly free indeed. 

But I try so hard to hide and lie. 

I miss so much to be around good solid christians. My family is my support right now. My aunt and uncle and cousins and family are who i see day in and day out and it has been such a huge blessing. But I miss it.

I want to hard to make people and myself see that I am OK... That I have a good job and that all is well.

But I am not as well as i Think.

My love for God is really trying to be ripped away from my by LAZINESS. I hate that I go up into my room and sit and watch the crap that is on tv. I hate that I only am at church one day a week. Just like all the other "christians" out there. 

I need more. 

I am reaching the point that If something does not change. I WILL. and I don't wanna. God has done to much in my life and dealt with me on too many issues for me to just stop. I DON"T want to. 

I hate that I feel alone. The besides my family. my closest friends are only on the phone. No coffee talks, no driving and talking. Nothing. I hate it. 

God please pull me out of this. I know that you are there

I know that you are bringing me through a old season and into a new one. But I need more. I need more of you. I feel like the laziness of my life is consuming my love for you and I can't stand that feeling. I wanna be growing. But I don't think that I am. I need you now, in a new way. 

Lord guide me, direct me. Lead me to the place where I can feel your spirit and your love greater then before. 

Control my mind and my thoughts. I hate that I have gotten lazier and lazier on my thinking. Forgive me. 

Give me rest. Calm my Spirit and my mind. Forgive me for I am a sinner saved by your call and your tender loving mercy. 

I commit all I am to serving you in all that I do. 

Amen.

Peace all.